My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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