I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
