he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
