Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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