How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
We have started to decorate penises.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
