I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I cockslap morals
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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