??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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