Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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