I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
