I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I had to cum in my sink.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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