"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
