Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
