I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
