I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i wish my penis had a tongue
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
