Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize