Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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