so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
