Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Randomize
