a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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