i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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