Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Randomize
