Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Randomize
