apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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