Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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