It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
