I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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