the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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