The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
