I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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