I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Randomize