Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
