just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
