I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
