Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
