Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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