just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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