considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
