I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
