I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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