You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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