I want to make a zoo with you.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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