I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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