yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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