did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
It was confusing and full of hummus
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize