Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
