Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
