my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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