I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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