If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
It's shark week go big or go home
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
