Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
