i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
