I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
