If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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