Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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