The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize