so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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