your thong is hanging out like whoa
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
