What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Randomize
