The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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